Citation: Setun. "The Way The World Should Be: An Experience with MDMA (exp101720)". Erowid.org. May 22, 2020. erowid.org/exp/101720
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I had wanted to try Ecstasy since I was in high school, but never ran into it because I was never in the right crowd. As I became older I turned down the few opportunities I had because I didn't know if it was real. Ten years after my last hard drug use I decided I was going to acquire MDMA and try it.
Dryed on a plate in my living room I looked at my MDMA. It was Saturday morning and I was beyond nervous. I had smoked some meth in high school, but after a few bad experience quit all drugs excepting a little pot and a drinking habit acquired in college. I had little idea what it was going to do even after months of trying to grasp it.
I prepared by eating a good breakfast, a second breakfast, and I bought two gatorades. I checked my phone, made sure it was charged, and put in my pocket in case I needed to call for assistance. I weighed out 60 mg, folded the paper, and poured it onto my tongue.
I had heard techno music was good on Ecstasy so I opened internet radio and created a techno station. Most of the music was immediately atrocious and I spent the next forty-five minutes get ridding of most the songs it tried to play.
I had planned to wait several hours before taking more, but I wasn't feeling anything so I weight out another 60 mg. I though to myself "This isn't like you, you are way more cautious and if you are taking more maybe you are already under the influence and just don't know it." I took it anyways.
Another forty-five minutes, an hour and a half after the first dose, I took my third does of 60 mg because I felt absolutely nothing. The second it hit my tongue the song "dropped" and I felt it go through my body. I knew I was in trouble. I got up and went and looked in the mirror and told myself "This is awesome. This is what you wanted. Have it, be happy, and just roll with it." I didn't know at the time that what the term "rolling" meant, but it was fitting.
A few minutes later a friend who had to work that day came over on his lunch break. He walked in and sat down across from me. It felt awesome to rub my palms, and I tried to hide it by slowly rubbing my hands on my pants. "What are you on?" First words out of his mouth. "I might offfff tried a little bit of ecstasy." The way I said it I would later find to be distinctive to MDMA intoxication. "You are going to have the best time of your life." That statement surprised the crap out of me.
I asked him if he had tried it and he explained he did it back in school. I had never guessed as my time in school was spent between studying, drinking, and sex, but no drugs.
"You want some?" I chirped. He said yes and I uncovered the plate. He had never seen it in crystalline form before so he asked how to use it. I weighed him out 150mg and he poured it on his tongue. Then he warned me that he was experienced, but I should not go anywhere to talk to anyone. The second he said that I thought "Holy crap, people, yes people, I need to talk to people". Soon as he was gone out the door I went.
Stopping at the closest convenience store I spent time walking around looking at stuff, talking to random people, and wishing that I had friends who did stuff like this besides the one who was gone to work. When I realized I had been at the store for almost an hour I got myself the hell out. I got in my car and turned on the radio. Holy crap this music was awesome. Driving around with my windows down I waved at everyone and loved life, the people, the sky, and the air, the incredible, incredible air. It just tasted so good, and filled the lungs with refreshing coolness. [Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
I realized that this is the way the world should be. It was awesome, it was beautiful, and nothing mattered. "Everyone should see the world this way" I thought. I was so thankful that once in my life, even it is was only once, I knew what it was like to be truly happy. Not high, messed up, stoned, or really any other intoxicated state, but truly happy.
For the first time in my life I knew what it was like to talk to people and truly care. I don't believe I had experienced true empathy before. I am diagnosed with PDD-NOS, slight autism, and my social skills are lacking.
I don't believe I had experienced true empathy before. I am diagnosed with PDD-NOS, slight autism, and my social skills are lacking.
I talked to people and I knew what to say. Hitting the bar later and redosing (three of us now; me, my girlfriend and my friend) I introduced myself to new people and seemed genuinely interested in our conversations instead of off-put by my dryness and seriousness. For the first time I felt like a member of the human race. "So this is what it is like to feel normal."
A few years out from that experience, and several more that followed (I ended up sharing with A LOT of people) I look back and sometimes pine for that feeling again. It is a chapter of my life that is closed until I get the guts to acquire some more again, but I am never going to forget it.
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