Citation: Mouthspiral. "An Anomaly: An Experience with Ketamine (exp114408)". Erowid.org. May 23, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114408
Dose: (T0.00) 30mg, (T0.40) 40mg, (T5.40) 60mg, (8.00) 85mg
Person: 21/M, Height: 5’9, Weight: 8 stone (112 lbs)
Setting: Music venue, Bedroom/student house, London, evening/early morning
My mental health during this period was in a bad place
My mental health during this period was in a bad place
, was slipping slowly out of the remains of a different consciousness, fallen into un-embodiment, where my reality was split, depressive, what lurked underneath. Despite this, it brought about a new awareness, heightened, sensitive nature of myself coming out of the cocoon. I found that taking dissociative drugs, Ketamine being one of them, helped stop the physical pain of my thoughts, without turning them into something exaggerated. The thoughts remained as they are but I could experience reality with the ability to concentrate on tasks, feeling myself together with mind and body, for a week or two after my psychoactive experiences. I was using the drug fairly frequently during this period, in high and low doses. Instead of using prescribed medication (which I was offered), I found Ketamine to be a pleasant drug for me to take a breather. Whilst giving me another set of interesting effects for me to enjoy. This experience was written in early 2018, with this statement written almost two years after.
7.15pm - I’d recently bought some very high quality Ketamine; deciding to begin my sampling at a gig. I begin the evening in my room, listening to UUUU, getting ready to go see them at a venue nearby. A chance to see a member of one of my favourite musical groups, ‘Coil’ in the flesh. Coil have had a significant impact on my life… in my eyes, one of the greatest British experimental acts in history…. great artists. A combination of The Wire, Thighpaulsandra, and Vanishing Twins proves to be excellent on record, let me see the live experience.
8.20pm – Arrive at the venue. Hyrst, the support band are playing. The music is slow, bass heavy, with long delayed vocals, scattered across the electronic drums. I go to the bathroom, and insufflate a line. By the time I arrive back on the floor, the effects have begun. General enhancement of the music. I feel the space of where I am standing, amongst the crowd has been enlarged… people seem to get further away. I always get this effect on drugs, more so on hallucinogens. It can cause anxiety sometimes, are people moving away from me? Am I too fucked? Here is not the case. Warm euphoria, and a lift of my current depression. The music is of course highly psychedelic; I sense, relate and understand their influences and experiences. They are not technically impressive but I enjoy their presence.
8.50pm – Support band over. I wait a little on my own amongst the crowd, and do some reflection. Everyone is chatting, laughing with friends, interacting… I stand alone but I don’t mind. I tend to always come to these types of shows by myself. it’s an older crowd, I think how lovely it would be to spot someone else my age here…
9.00pm – I go upstairs to insufflate a larger line. Coming down to the ground floor, the main act has begun. The effects are like before but much stronger. The band goes through a variety of build ups, crescendos. Distorted guitars, drones, shouting vocals, it’s very intense. My favourite parts, meshed in-between guitars, and drums... electronic glitches, insane sound design, with a general messed up quality that draws me in, I’m loving it. I dance and move my head with enthusiasm. However, for a moment, my high mood dissipates as I begin to think more internally. Why now? Thinking of all my internal life problems for a brief interlude, dissociating from the general emotions of the room I am in. This is fine. I am not here anymore externally. This lasts for a short while as a go from one area of my life to the next. Suddenly, I feel the emotions of the music pick up, taken along, out of thought. I accept this. I hear angelic impressions of emotions, for the first time in the set. A blip of beauty amidst pure aggression. Building, taking me away with it, and before I know it… all is over. Thank you.
10.30pm – I return from the gig, feeling paradoxically in two moods. The music was great but of course my mental health feels prominent… sucking the life out of all good experiences. It could have been worse without the Ketamine, finding it alleviates, eases the pain from these negative spirals of thought. Fine. My life at times. I’m working hard to improve all areas of life. I will move on. Thinking this night is going to be spent in good isolation. I had it all planned. Me, my room. Abruptly, my house mate walks in, asking for a camera charger, seeing my bag of ketamine on the table. I start laughing awkwardly, explaining to him my evening, he laughs. The next two hours are spent talking, exchanging ideas, things we’ve found, books, music, art, all sorts. Satisfying, love in life.
2am - We decide at 2am to do some Ketamine, I weigh up 60mg for each of us. We both do a line, lay down on my sofa, and wait till the effects come on. I put on some music, this leads to me discussing one of the Dead Can Dance albums I had just bought, I play East of Eden, the lyrics “I was told of a place in a distant land, where tortured souls often cried together in anguish” strikes me…. I understand why of course…. This leads me to putting on some Cocteau twin’s albums in full, the mystical ethereal tones play throughout our conversation reflecting the mood I’m in. Guitar’s chime and ring… echoing through the air, much like how I feel. At the beginning, I was a little overcome by the drug…. I sometimes feel a little anxiety as drugs comes on in the company of others but this diminishes as the effects build in intensity. The conversation begins to lose fluidity as we lose ourselves to the drug, with cognitive functions changing. This ketamine feels much more psychedelic than most I’ve tried before. Talking becomes much more difficult, at moments, I sigh in heaviness of the effects.
Listening to the Mysterious Skin soundtrack by Harold Budd & Robin Guthrie transports me back to a time when I was 13 years old. Exploring myself, discovering music and arts that have quite literally changed the course of my entire existence. The melodies and textures ring true to the emotions I felt during that period. With now being included, as my melancholy has seemly deepened. This dreamy depression I am in, soothed and amplified by the ketamine, the music wraps and translates the powerful feelings into sound. Beautiful and melancholic.
3.45am – My house mate leaves. I sit and listen to Harold Budd, writing out this report… I decide to do another line.
4.24am – I weight up 85mg of some more Ketamine. I insufflate all of it using an orange train ticket. Looking around the room, the ambience is incredible serene. Observing presently, a warm table lamp pointed down at the floor, gives the room two layers. Darkness above, and a light on the floor. I turn the light off, lay down, headphones on. The choice for lift off is the album ‘Strands’ by Steve Hauschildt. These sounds ignite the experience.
I close my eyes in the darkness, my body begins to feel warm, heightened to the fur quilt laying over me. I become ever more sensitive. A dissociation starts taking place. The visuals start unfolding behind my eye lids. It starts as if a new space is beginning to form, as if a 3D cube of darkness is being made in the space behind my eyes closed. A black landscape, all now coated in dark green matter, it’s extremely electric. Liquefying. Gradually falling from the ceiling of my virtual universe. Here the music goes from lush pads to repeating arpeggios. In sync, the experience goes from observatory to participatory. Music, visual and me unite.
I am now going through cyberspace, the computer, the data. Lots of green pulsating squares. These rotate, spin, and rotate in a smooth manner. It’s as if the green matter is multiplying itself, expanding, duplicating in front of me. It grows, and contracts itself. These visuals are so fluid, and ever changing. Dissociative drug’s do appear to have a more gothic or dark science fiction-esque undertone; the visuals and style to me are much more interesting in my eyes. Less cliché than the classic psychedelic visuals. There is a lot of room for artistic style here.
Feels like I am travelling through electricity, and dreams. The music heavily influences the experience. The music has moments of transcendent joy, with rich reverb heavy chords, all washing over me. I am completely cushioned by the warm effects of the drug. Coated by all the sensory qualities. I feel safe in this place. The sounds change to arpeggios that take me along for a journey. During this period the music fills my thoughts with heavy introspection… I think of my identity, my life, the choices and the path I’ve taken. My own mental health. I am seeing the muck from a different perspective. The future is causing me so much anxiety. I’m so afraid. I’ve been such a control freak my entire life. This needs to be relinquished. That feeling of infinite time in my childhood and adolescence has begun to dissipate. The choices I make now will define my entire adult life and existence. My thinking is depressive but not painful, during this period in my waking consciousness, I fall frequently into negative thought loops that cause me physical pain, tightening around my body like ropes, pulling me downwards. Here my negative thinking causes me no pain.
The visuals begin to take form of anything I think of, I turn my attention to this. I see a pink cat, a silver lady spinning on a disc underneath, and on top of her. I am still travelling through a data field entering deeper into a computer. These scenes then transform with great fluidity to scenes of space, and flashes of stars flying beside me. Cosmic. I never leave my body with it. An observer instead, in the field of electric visuals, wormholes and 3D computerised space. Through the entire period, my body and mind are sunk in a cosy dream world, cushioned, squished upwards. I see four red and blues lines coming from the side of my vision. Coming into the middle, and creating a face in front of me in the most abstract way. All against a black background. Very pretty.
I open my eyes and see everything in double vision. I see two computers split on either side. My world is split into two. The album ends, and the effects begin to fall. I adored it. A much higher dose is needed despite such a lovely experience. Soon….
Ketamine is such a clean and sterile space, perfectly cushioning. In comparison to DCK or MXE, it is more lucid, and ‘normal’, with less of the bizarre murky weirdness of the other two. For a week after the experience, all anxieties, and depressive qualities seem far away, my mind and body was together, and I felt free, it became a nice reminder of what I was looking to achieve in myself long term, except without the use of drugs
it became a nice reminder of what I was looking to achieve in myself long term, except without the use of drugs
Sometimes, I find the most meaningful experiences aren’t always the ones that happened in the moment but the ones that were recorded, memories fade, despite how significant some experiences can be. This was an anomaly amongst many Ketamine doses I’ve taken, mostly I’ve taken it a lot higher, with much more stronger effects. This time here, despite the mild nature, grows to be something more.
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